Fat People Murder Baby Harp Seals with Incandescent Light Bulbs

Incandescent Light Bulbs will molest your children, kill your puppy, cheat on the SATs and make you gay (or gayer). This is why our loving Government has made them virtually illegal. They are protecting us from harmful incandescent DNA altering radiation. Well, their real reason is that these things waste power.

Unlike our LCD televisions, windows, stove tops, ovens, swimming pools and fish tanks, incandescent bulbs are actually evil. If you use them you are a minion of Satan, Reagan or Hitler, whichever one creeps you out more. Anyone who uses them clearly wants the Earth to die. If you have an incandescent light bulb (quick! Check your flashlights!) you are slowly suffocating cute little baby harp seals. Shit, you may as well club those little guys to death and get it over with faster. No need to make them suffer.

I find it comforting that our omnipresent, caring, Government has finally decided that, we the people, are far too stupid to make choices for ourselves. I hope that they soon ban candy bars too. Fat people waste tons of energy. They make cars less efficient. They make planes use more fuel. They ruin sofas and toilet seats causing more landfill debris. Maybe they should just ban fat people all together.

You see, fat people are very expensive. They eat more resources, consume more water and air. They take up more space and they’re really unpleasant to look at. Plus, I’m sure their greater body mass absorbs light, or bends it, causing us to need higher watt incandescent light bulbs to see. From what I’ve read, their gravitational mass literally slows down time as you get closer to them. That’s why they seem to move and talk in a gratingly pokey fashion.

Not too mention, without fat people… and pot… fast food restaurants wouldn’t need to stay open at night. This would save so much energy and resources that at least one University must have done the calculations with a tax payer funded Government grant.

I foresee a law making fast food places close at 10pm (and within a few years, outlaw them all together). New York will likely light that path for us… with LED bulbs, of course. Fluorescent bulbs are chock full of lead, mercury, cancer and nose hair growing particles.

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